It’s not that expecting a “Bentley dud” (as someone else I saw described them) is bad. Heck, the great thing about Dierks is even his most mainstream friendly material retains at least some sort of artistic integrity, in a way that at least makes it stand out from the crowd. But “Somewhere On A Beach”? This is bad folks. Like, REALLY bad………..
Considering Black is said to explore the concept of love, the theme of “Somewhere On A Beach” is completely nonsensical. “Somewhere On A Beach” tells of a man who escapes to the beach to escape an ex-lover. It’s just quite the coincidence that he meets a new girl while he’s there. That’s great that you met a new girl dude, but do we have to go all “Home Alone Tonight” by rubbing it in the ex’s face that you now spend your days doing nothing but having wild sex and partying? If anything, that proves you haven’t moved on. And you wonder why she left in the first place? In addition, where’s the love here? Hooking up with some new girl and having revenge sex doesn’t really scream love to me. As immature and cringe inducing as the theme is, the lyrics that get us through it are even worse. Written by Jaren Boyer (“Hell Of A Night”, “Riot”, “Laid Back”), David Kuncio, Josh Mirenda, Alex Palmer, and Michael Tyler Spragg (“Laid Back”), (yes, this song took five writers ladies and gentlemen), there are some lines here that sound like Florida Georgia Line 2.0. The chorus is where the most damage is done. Take a look:
“I’m somewhere on a beach, sippin’ something strong. Got a new girl, she got it going on. We drink all day and party all night. I’m way too good to have you on my mind. Well, she got a body, and she’s naughty, and she’s got me like you ain’t ever got me. Getting sun, getting sun and I ain’t slept in a week, yeah I’m somewhere on a beach.”
I hate to quote the whole chorus but…….wow. Honestly, if Dierks was going to pander to any trend, at least this isn’t a pop/EDM hybrid. But still, “she’s got a body and she’s naughty”??? “Getting sun and I ain’t slept in a week”? Dierks, buddy, you’re forty, stop that. Mock something like “Drunk On A Plane” all you want, but at least that had a clever story to it, and even something like “5-1-5-0” had a noticeable energy to it. This? I got nothing folks.
What’s most sad about this song is that even a somewhat melancholy, blues production isn’t enough to cloud the horrid lyrics here. But really, that’s the only saving grace about this song. Heck, even the melody is extremely clunky.
Do I think Dierks “sold out”? No, absolutely not, and anyone who says he has is being totally unfair (notice that doesn’t equate to me saying it’s not fair to dislike this particular song…..). But that doesn’t change the fact that “Somewhere On A Beach” is his worst attempt at trying to win over radio. I heavily believe that this song will be the anomaly of his upcoming album, which really leaves me nothing else to say about this song other than I hope it shoots to #1 so this song can go away and we can hear the quality on this album. Until then, sorry Dierks, but even as a huge fan of your work, this just sucks.
Listen: “Somewhere On A Beach”
Author: Zackary Kephart